Tips for parents
Help for a parent when adopting a child with mental trauma
The younger the child, the more difficult it is to provide psychological help. There is a very interesting French psychoanalytic trend that is linked to the name of Françoise Dolto that specializes in the psychotherapy of newborns. We are very big fans of this direction. My experience is that the child needs to be held in my arms as often as possible, to talk to him, explain everything to him. This method can be used not only to rehabilitate adopted children, but also to help children who have experienced some serious illness, who were hospitalized and separated from their families. A child who was left in an official home has experienced the trauma of deprivation, he or she also needs psychotherapy, needs to express the feelings associated with the trauma and be told why the stay in the hospital was necessary and that it most likely will not happen again. The same goes for children who are going through a divorce or the death of a parent. It is often very difficult for adults to talk about the loss that the whole family is experiencing, and sometimes they want to shield the child from the experience. As in all other cases, therapy is needed – it is very important that the adult is able to adequately respond to the loss themselves, only then will they be able to help the child.
The school-age child needs the same therapy as the adult – therapy that deals with his life story, acceptance of his body and his feelings, emotions, uniqueness, possibilities, rights. He or she needs to be accompanied in the phase of bereavement, to explain and talk through his or her life story together. Art therapy, play therapy and the Gestalt approach are used for this purpose, which allow for rather ecological and safe help.
Unfortunately, the law does not allow us to help children before they are placed with a foster family. We don’t start working until the placement stage: when the parents have already made the decision to adopt. We need to understand what kind of problems this child has and while the foster family is still in the process of being placed, to think ahead about ways to rehabilitate the child in order to make the adaptation process as painless as possible for the entire family. So that foster parents can establish contact with the child as quickly as possible while he is still in the orphanage. So that they know what to do next when he is at home if he has health, developmental, or emotional problems. But we don’t counsel in any way about whether or not to adopt, because that is the responsibility of the prospective adopters and only they can make that decision on their own.
Adaptation Time
Adaptation can take up to five years. I believe that parents who adopt a child should be prepared for the fact that they may not sleep for 24 hours or cry through the night. You have to understand that their boundaries will be violated – it’s a very tough bond when you have to be with the child all the time, unattended – because they are insanely scared and they really need a parent to be there for them at that time. My youngest adopted daughter woke up 15-18 times a night for two years, and when I got up in the morning after a night like that, I was already not perceiving the world around me well. If an adopter loves a child, understands that this difficult phase must be lived through, he or she lives it with the baby, compassionately helping and celebrating any, even the smallest positive changes.
The most common challenges in the adjustment phase for foster parents are:
They have to go through many different kinds of changes. Often adoptive parents go through a painful period involving the violation of the child’s sleep, the violation of their own personal boundaries. Relationships between partners change: This happens in an even more rigid way than when their own child is born. Relationships with close relatives also become different: those who were hoped for suddenly move away, and those who, on the contrary, were against the adoption, begin to actively help. If the adoption was open, relationships with coworkers change – everyone begins to discuss why they need it, whether it is good or bad… A kind of social chaos ensues, in which the family lives. It’s a tough challenge for adoptive parents. If a parent is warned about such a test, if he understands that he is sacrificing his needs or some personal goals and freedoms for the sake of the child, he passes the test with dignity. If the motives for adoption are selfish, if the person wants to get something out of it for himself or to fill a spiritual void, there are unfortunate consequences for both parent and child. We need to prepare parents for all the potential difficulties, to help them build a strategy for dealing with significant others. Those foster parents who have been trained in our school, we accompany them during the child’s adjustment period as well. It is important to remember that the transition period is often difficult, but cannot be avoided. And you can learn to take it patiently, like a journey – difficult, dangerous, but incredibly interesting.
